I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
