I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
FUCK WHALES
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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