i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
