now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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