I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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