It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
