i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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