We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Are my feet made of real feet?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
