I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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