I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
