he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize