My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
