What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
