the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
