I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You are a genius and a whore.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
