it's too hot outside to masturbate.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
