That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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