hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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