Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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