Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
