and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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