My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
