I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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