is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
