First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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