He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
