Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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