So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
