He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
