Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
