I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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