The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
