Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
