Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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