Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize