I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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