Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
