you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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