she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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