I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
