And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
