I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
