Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize