Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
