Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
