We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I understand Curling. That high.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
