Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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