That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
