woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
