dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
