Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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