then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
