I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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