The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
