I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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