Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize