either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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