textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
