Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Randomize
