you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
