I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
