God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
