I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
They took my balls.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
