I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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