What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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