my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
