peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
