I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
