How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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