Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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