I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize