wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
God, I missed his penis.
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