Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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