well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
