I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
