we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize