Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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