Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
