She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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